Poor Jack
by elleelle
Summary: Jack has to suffer through Sam's cruelness. Who knew Sam had a sense of humor. Please review as I don't know whether to keep writing this story. New chapter that has a naughty jack for Christmas
1. Chapter 1

It was their wedding night. They had agreed to no funny business for one whole month before the wedding and Jack was dying. He looked in the bathroom mirror telling himself over and over that he could last one more night. When he came out there was Sam in her pajamas. Even those were exciting after his month of abstinence.

"Jack, how's your stamina?"

Did she just ask him that?????

"And how's your mouth?"

That was it. He was going to die.

"Uh. . . " His brain had officially shut down.

"Perfect, you'll have no problems blowing up this air mattress for yourself tonight."

That was just cruel, but he'd just have to get his revenge later. After all he'd have a lot of time to think while blowing up that stupid air mattress. Didn't they make automatic ones nowadays?

Right after the wedding reception they are in their hotel room. Now he'd get her back. Sam stood there in her beautiful wedding gown obviously waiting for their first honeymoon kiss. He had to be strong. He takes off his pants and throws them at her face. The shock on her face is so worth it.

"Put those on for me Samantha."

She looks taken back but she thinks it's a game. Each time she pulls them up, they slide back down, being several sizes too big.

"I can't wear your pants, jack" she exclaims.

"Exactly right, I wear the pants in this family.

That's how it's gonna stay. Just you remember that."

She stands there with her arms crossed, tapping her foot lightly,

and gives him one of "those" looks. Oh no, he's in trouble. Then she reaches down and pulls off her panties and throws them in his face.

"Put those on, your Highness," says Sam. This can't be good. She is going to eat me alive.

The tiny white bikini underpants are far too tight to even get over his upper thighs, naturally, so he says..."I can't get into your panties!"

"Exactly right, of the house, and until you fix

your macho attitude, that's how it's gonna stay." Oh crap. How was he going to fix this?!


	2. Chapter 2

So here he was, it was a month after the honeymoon and with the worst hangover. At least he and Sam had made up. The pants just hadn't been a good idea. Since he was back home Daniel had called that morning and he had decided to go out with him and Teal'c for a man's weekend. Then Sam was complaining about it to him. And boy what a tirade it was.

Finally she stopped and asked, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" He hadn't even thought she would be home most of the weekend. After all she was supposed to work.

He stupidly replied, "That would be fine with me." Hangover and fight with wife never a good combination.

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

On Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

That Friday while Sam was washing the dishes he saw that the dog needed to go outside. He was standing right behind Sam when he asked "Would you like to go out?"

Turning around, Sam quickly replied, "Oh, yes, I'd love to! You've been such a doofus lately. I can't believe you'd just decide to take me out to dinner. I really appreciate it Jack. It's these little things that keep me in love with you." As she kissed him and walked out to get ready Jack thought that if she ever figured out he was talking to the dog she'd kill him.


	3. Chapter 3

Whack

Jack and Sam were picking up Sam's nephew from the airport. He was going to spend the weekend with them. 'It might be good to have some male support around the house,' thought Jack.

"So what's up?" Sam asked the young boy.

"Well I got a part in my school play. I play a man who's been married for twenty years."  
Jack, not being able to keep his mouth shut, stated "That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

Sam gave him THE LOOK and "whack". He really had to learn to keep his mouth shut.

(Sam's point of view)

Jack was hurt and she was freaking out. It was supposed to be a boring meeting but some crazy man had come in shooting. Dr. Lamn walked up to Sam.

"He's alright. The bullet missed anything important and he's recovering nicely"

Thank God! "Can I go see him?"

"Yes, but he might still be sleeping."

Sam practically ran into the room. He looked so innocent when he slept. The lines in his face were relaxed and you just never wanted to wake him. She began to stroke his hair.

"Hey" he was awake.

"Hey yourself. That was a close call." Her eyes started to blur.

"Don't cry I'm ok. Listen, I've survived being zatted, stabbed, shot, drowned, punched, kicked, and lost, yet every time your there in the end and I survive. " She was so afraid to lose him.

"Well, now that I think of it you might actually be the bad luck. How many of your previous boyfriends died. Martouf, that senator, and "

WHACK"That's for being an idiot." KISS "and that's for trying to make me laugh."

Next time he needed to get the kiss without being hit first.


	4. Chapter 4

One day Samantha Carter-O'neill received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart :

Dear Mrs. Carter-O'neill,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. O'neill are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official sounding voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right way."

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began screaming, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he checked out his behind.

10. November 10: While carelessly handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the " Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and told customers "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

And last, but not least ..

14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"

Regards,  
Wal-Mart  
Patti Barber, Office Supervisor Accounting Unit, Behavioral Health Services


	5. Chapter 5

(If you guys haven't figured it out yet, I'm taking jokes I've heard or read and actually remember and applying them to Sam and Jack. I just wanted you to know that not all the credit is mine)

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending the SGC Christmas Party at O'Malley's. Jack had drunk a lot. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! And he thought she was mad about the Wal-Mart letter. Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you more than you'll ever know! Love, Sam"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. Cassie is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Cassie... what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk as a skunk. You fell over the glass coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, the kitchen and your room, and got that black eye when you ran into the door. It was pretty funny actually.

Jack was very confused, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

"Oh THAT! Sam dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off cause you had thrown up all over them, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table: $150. Hot Breakfast: $14. Two Aspirins: $1. Saying the perfect thing, at the right time. . . priceless!


	6. Chapter 6

What Sam says:  
"This place is a mess!  
C'mon, you and I need to clean,  
Your stuff is lying on the floor  
and you'll have no clothes to wear  
if we don't do laundry right now!"

What Jack hears:  
"blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON  
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I  
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR  
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES  
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW"

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

(Jack talking to Daniel at O'Malley's on the man night out before he came home drunk)

One evening last week, Sam and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every husband hates to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

I was very confused. She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either... but at least that Sam knows I'm just as smart as her.


	7. Chapter 7

**Jack was bored in a meeting and decided to create a Sam dictionary. **

**What Sam says and what she means. **

**Sam says:** We need  
**Sam means:** I want

**Sam says:** It's your decision  
**Sam means:** The correct decision should be obvious

**Sam says:** Do what you want  
**Sam means:** You'll pay for this later no matter what you choose

**Sam says:** We need to talk  
**Sam means:** I need to complain

**Sam says:** Sure... go ahead  
**Sam means:** You do and you're dead.

**Sam says:** I'm not upset  
**Sam means:** Of course I'm upset you moron

**Sam says:** You're ... so manly  
**Sam means:** You need a shave and a shower

**Sam says:** Be romantic, turn out the lights  
**Sam means:** I have flabby thighs.

**Sam says:** This kitchen is so inconvenient  
**Sam means:** I want to redecorate the whole kitchen and for you to come shopping with me.

**Sam says:** I want new curtains.  
**Sam means:** Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper!

**Sam says:** I need wedding shoes.  
**Sam means:** The other forty pairs are the wrong shade of white.

**Sam says:** Hang the picture there  
**Sam means:** No, I mean hang it there!

**Sam says:** I heard a noise  
**Sam means:** I noticed you were almost asleep.

**Sam says:** Do you love me?  
**Sam means:** I'm going to ask you for something expensive.

**Sam says:** How much do you love me?  
**Sam means:** I did something today you're not going to like.

**Sam says:** I'll be ready in a minute.  
**Sam means:** Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap.

**Sam says:** Am I fat?  
**Sam means:** Tell me I'm beautiful.

**Sam says:** You have to learn to communicate.  
**Sam means:** Just agree with me.

**Sam says:** Are you listening to me?  
**Sam means:** [Too late, your doomed.]

**Sam says:** Yes  
**Sam means:** No

**Sam says:** No  
**Sam means:** No

**Sam says:** Maybe  
**Sam means:** No

**Sam says:** I'm sorry  
**Sam means:** You'll be sorry

**Sam says:** Do you like this recipe?  
**Sam means:** You better get used to it

**Sam says:** All we're going to buy is a soap dish  
**Sam means:** Your credit card will be maxed out.

**Sam says:** I'm not yelling!  
**Sam means:** Yes I am! I think this is important!

**Sam says:** I don't want to talk about it.  
**Sam means:** I'm still building up steam.

The bad thing was that Jack left it in his coat pocket. He realized this after sam had picked it up from the dry cleaners. Now he was sitting outside his house in his car wondering if he should dare go in.


	8. Chapter 8

Sam was always busy and didn't always have time for cleaning. It didn't bother her much until one evening when Jack called from the hall, somewhat dismayed: "Carter what happened to the dust on this table? I had a phone number written on it."

Some days he was adorable and some days she just wanted whack him.

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Jack stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for Sam. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, he burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.

"I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch." A desperate customer, Jack turned to the clerk and begged, "You don't understand. If I don't have those roses back home waiting on my wife's desk by the time she gets home I'm a dead man."

"What happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary?"

"It's even worse than that," he confided. "I crashed her hard drive!"

Even with the roses, and the necklace, and card he only had a slim chance of survival . . . but he had to try.


	9. Chapter 9

Dear Daniel,

Things are going well on our vacation but I think Jack is bored. I think he was so busy in Washington that he doesn't know what to do with all the time off. Funny, you would think I'd be the one like that, not Jack, but I am truly enjoying the time off. I can give you an exampee of what Jack did yesterday that helped me figure out he was bored. Yesterday we went to one of the little towns. We went into a fishing store and came out after only five minutes. Something about ruining the art of fishing. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

Jack went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving an old man a break?' I just stood there with my mouth hanging open. The cop ignored us and continued writing the ticket. Then Jack called him a dumb a**. The cop glared at me and Jack and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So then Jack goes and calls him a narcissistic egg head. I didn't think jack could use the word narcissistic correctly in a sentence. People started gathering around watching the spiel. The cop finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Jack continued to insult the cop and cop continued to write tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more Jack abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived. Jack waved goodbye to the officer and thanked him for the fun as he dragged me onto the bus. I was still in shock. The poor cop had a look of horror on his face. Then because God decided he loved Jack or that He hated that cop a woman came out of the shop with her husband. She was on the arm of a guy as big as Teal'c. The woman turned to the the Teal'c copy and asked "Why the heck do I have all these tickets on my car?". Then the bus drove away.

So as you can see, I have to find some way to keep Jack occupied when we're not in bed. (You know were doing it. Don't get squeamish on me.) Any ideas?

Your good friend who needs help,

Sam

Notes: please review, and also let me know if you have any funny ideas of how sam can keep jack occupied during their vacation


	10. Chapter 10

Sam decided to take Daniel's advice and take Jack out golfing. Jack walked on ahead to see where his ball went while Sam teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward Jack.

Indeed, the ball hit poor Jack, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

Sam rushed up to the Jack and immediately began to apologize. Sam quickly remembered a book Janet had given her on physical therapy: "Please let me to help.", she begged him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and finally he allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him: "How does that feel?"

To which he replied: "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

Whack!

Jack really had to find a way to stop Sam from hitting him.

Please review :)


	11. jack and a watch

A very handsome and decked out Jack walked into the bar and took a seat next to his wife Sam. He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

Sam notices this and jokingly asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

Sam is not sure what Jack is up to and asks, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

Sam's gives him her 'oh please' look but plays along. "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..." he whispers with a patented O'Neill smirk.

Sam smirks at her husband's antics and whispers back, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties."

Jack then taps on the face of the watch and explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

WHACK

Jack wondered if he was going to get a bald spot with all the times she whacked him in the same spot.


	12. Chapter 12

Author's Chapter Notes:

just some more cute and funny one's i thought of :-)

Jack loved chocolate almost as much as his wife did. He had given her a beautiful heart-shaped box of chocolates for Valentine's Day. The next day, Jack was eyeing it, wishing to have a piece of it. As he reached out to touch one of the big pieces, Sam, knowing he was bound to poke each one before he picked, said to him, "If you touch it, then you have to eat it."  
"Yeahsureyoubetcha," he said, nodding his head. Suddenly his fingers quickly poked the tops of all the pieces of candy. "Guess I have to eat them all," he smirked at his wit.

Whack!

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Sam was in the infirmary and had given her dutiful husband, Jack, a list of things to bring her from home. At the house, Jack was checking the list and he noticed one item on the list was "comfortable underwear." Worried that he'd make the wrong choice he took out his cell, and called Sam to ask, "How will I know which ones to pick?"

"Hold them up and imagine them on me," she said.

"Ok, now what?" She could hear the smirk in his voice.

"If you smile, put them back."

SGC_SGC_SGC_SGC_SGC_SGC_SGC_SGC_SGC_SGC_SGC_SGC_SGC_SGC_SGC_SGC_SGC_SGC_SGC_SGC_SGC_SGC_SGC_SGC_SGC_SGC_SGC_SGC_SGC_SGC_SGC_SGC_SGC_SGC_SGC_

Hockey sticks, fishing rods, boots -- outdoor gear of all kinds was piled high in the garage. Jack found Sam staring at the mess. "I hope I die first, so I don't have to get rid of all this," she sighed.

"Look on the bright side," Jack suggested as he hugged her from behind. "If I go first, you can put an ad in the paper. When all the men come by to check out the stuff, you can pick out a replacement for me."

Still staring at the pile, she said, "Nah. He wouldn't be my type."

Sam felt Jack quickly let her go and when she turned around Jack looked like a puppy that had been kicked.

"Honey, I was just kidding."

The kicked puppy look still lingered. She briefly wondered if he'd been taking lessons from Daniel.

As he turned to walk away Sam couldn't help herself and blurted out "We could even go fishing this weekend."

"Nah, you hate it." Even his voice was dejected.

"No I don't. I won't even bring my laptop. Just you and me."

"Promise." How did he manage to look like a hopeful little kid at his age.

"I promise." Sam had been expecting a smile, not a smug basterd smirk.

"Wait, you tricked me." She couldn't believe Jack had fooled her.

"All's fair in love and war Sam." He said as he turned tail and ran.

As Sam chased after him, she couldn't help but giggle. Sometimes no matter how naughty he was, the man was just loveable.

SGC_SGC_SGC_SGC_SGC_SGC_SGC_SGC_SGC_SGC_SGC_SGC_SGC_SGC_SGC_SGC_SGC_SGC_SGC_SGC_SGC_SGC_SGC_SGC_SGC_SGC_SGC_SGC_SGC_SGC_SGC_SGC_SGC_SGC_SGC_

Jack was really annoying Sam as she tried to work. He kept saying she didn't know how to relax.

"I have a higher IQ, and make more money than you," she pointed out as a last ditch attempt. "  
"Yeah, but when you step back and look at the big picture, I'm still ahead," he said.  
She looked mystified, which was a rare look for her. "How do you figure?"  
"I married better," he replied.

Sam smirked, "I don't know whether to whack you or kiss you?"

Jack had run down the hall before she even got to finish the sentence.

Sam had to admit, at least she got a husband with a nice butt.

Chapter End Notes:

**Instructions: step1: click the little button that says review. step2: write what you thought of the chapter. step 3: Eat a cookie, you deserve it for your hard work**


	13. sam proposes to jack? ? ?

Sam remembered when Jack had proposed to her at the cabin. She thought it was both amusing and touching when he assumed the classic position to propose to her—down on one bended knee.

"Are you serious?" she had asked, laughing.

"Of course I'm serious," he had said. "I'm on my bad knee."

Now it was her turn. She dragged him out to the dock and got down on one knee. If she wasn't so nervous about the situation, his confused face might have made her burst into giggles.

"Jack, . . . ." she held out the box opening it to reveal a pacifier, "how would you like to be a father."

He opened and closed his mouth but couldn't seem to get any words came out. Then he did the Jack O'Neill thing, using action instead of words, pulling her up and kissing her lovingly.

"I hope that means yes."

"Yeahsureyoubetcha" he said hugging her close.

"Good because about 7.5 months and from now, you're gonna be a daddy."

And that's when Jack O'Neill did something he would never admit to anyone. Even Daniel, or Teal'c. He fainted.

A couple months later, Sam and Jack were in lamaze class, where they had an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand in order to give him an idea of what it felt like to be pregnant. Jack stood up and shrugged, saying, "This doesn't feel so bad."

The teacher then dropped a pen and asked him to pick it up.

"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant?" he asked.

"Exactly," replied the instructor.

To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to Sam and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."

Whack!

BRING!! The phone went off. Sam groggily picked up the phone.

"Carter."

IT was the SGC and they needed her in within the hour

As she was getting ready to head out the door, her husband, Jack, groggily said, "You shouldn't have to go down there by yourself at this hour. I mean you're pregnant for crying out loud. " Just as she was thinking, how thoughtful of him, he added, "Better take the dog with you."

WHACK!

One day, Sam's housework-challenged husband, Jack, decided to wash his own sweatshirt to be helpful during his wife's pregnancy. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to her, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," She replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

"University of Oklahoma," he yelled back.

"Jack do me a favor and hit yourself over the head so I don't have to come over there."

After the birth of Sam's daughter, a woman from the records department stopped by the hospital room to get information for her birth certificate. "Father's date of birth?" she asked. When Sam told her, she said, "Do you realize that his birthday is exactly nine months before your daughter's birth?"

"No, I hadn't thought about it," She responded, "but now that you mention it, I have a daughter, Cassie, who's birthday is a couple days before the same date."

After she finished taking down all the data, the woman patted Sam's hand and said, "Maybe you should start buying your husband a tie for his birthday instead."

Sam's mouth opened wide in shock as the woman left. If only she could have whacked that woman over the head. Where was Jack anyhow?

As Sam and Jack left the gym after their first real workout in weeks (Sam was doing all she could to lose the baby weight), they both felt energized. "Let's renew our commitment to do it three times a week," Sam said.

"Absolutely," Jack agreed way too enthusiastically, "three times as a minimum."

"And no whining," Sam said expecting some argument. "No excuses."

"No, we'll do it with energy and enthusiasm."

"And on my late night, we can just meet here at the gym."

"The gym?" Jack said, with his patent crestfallen pout. "I thought we were talking about sex!"

Hey yah know reviewing makes me post faster. so review and grab yourself a cookie for your hard work (hint: click the little button that says review :-)


	14. Last part is funniest

Author's Chapter Notes:

The last part is the funniest.

Sam arrived home late after a stressful day at the SGC. She walked to baby Grace's room to kiss her already sleeping daughter. Once she had checked up on Grace, she headed to her own bedroom noticing the light was on. To her surprise there was Jack lying naked on the bed.

"What turns you on more… my pretty face or my sexy body?" Jack whispered.

Sam was doing her best to stay serious and not burst out laughing. She looked her husband up and down for a moment and then replied "Your sense of humor."

Jack would have made a huff or something to show he was offended but his wife beat him to it, hands and mouth preoccupying him. Oh well, he'd get her back later, when his brain wasn't mush.

Sam woke up and realized Jack wasn't in bed with her. She heard the tv on in the living room and got up to follow the sound.

"What are you doing up? You know we barely get sleep now with Grace as it is."

"Well," Jack started, "I had the worst dream of my life last night. I dreamt I was with twelve of the most beautiful chorus girls in the world. Blondes, brunettes, redheads, and they were all dancing in a row."

Sam knew this wasn't it but decided to humor him. "That doesn't sound so terrible."

"Oh yeah?", Jack smirked, "I was the third girl from the end."

Sam couldn't help but giggle.

"Hey, no giggling." He said as he pulled her down to sit in his lap.

"What is it really?" Sam said as she cuddled into him.

Jack only said one word "Charlie."

"You gonna be ok?"

"With you two I will be"

Whack!

"Ow!, why'd you hit me Sam"

" One reason. . . Blondes, brunettes, and red heads"

"Oh! Well that's fair"

She started to stand, "Come back to bed with me?"

"Yeahsureyoubetcha"

In bed, Sam had already fallen back asleep. He leaned over to kiss her and whispered, "I love you and thank you for our daughter."

Jack had been staying home with Grace while Sam would go into the SGC and work on Doohickeys. Sam happened to have the day off and the whole family got in the car to drive to the park. Grace had just a turned 2 and a half. Jack had even made her half of a birthday cake (meaning he at half of it himself before he served it). Grace was getting fidgety in the back seat so Sam decided to distract her.

"Where does Daddy live?"

"Colorado."

"Where does Uncle Daniel live?"

"Egypt."

"Where does Grandma live?"

"Florida."

"And where does Mommy live?"

"At work!"

Two weeks later Sam took a week off to spend time with her daughter and husband at the cabin.

Sitting on the dock Sam with her daughter, feet dangling into the water Sam's daughter started to speak.

"I'm glad you're living with us mommy"

And Sam knew it was worth it, even if Felger got to play with the new doohickey

During a violent thunderstorm, up at the cabin, Sam was tucking Grace into bed.

She was about to turn off the light when Grace asked with a tremor in her voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

Sam couldn't help but smile and gave her daughter a reassuring hug. "I can't sweetie," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

Grace seemed to ponder something as she sat in silence. The silence was broken at last when Grace huffed, "The big sissy!"

Daniel was babysitting 4 year old Grace while Sam and Jack were out for their anniversary. Daniel had read her the Wizard of Oz, put her to bed, and then sat to watch (well to point out the errors) on the history channel.

[Five minutes later]

"Uncle Daniel?..."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?" Daniel knew he had to be strong or Grace would walk all over him.

"No. You had your chance. Lights out honey."

[Five minutes later]

"Uncle Da-aaaaniel..."

"What Grace!?"

"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??"

"I told you NO! If you ask again. . . ." Crap he couldn't think of anything "I just might have to spank you!!"

[Five minutes later]  
That might have actually worked, thought Daniel. He couldn't believe she believed him. He didn't think he had the heart to put Grace in timeout let alone spank her.

"Uncle Daaaa-aaaNIEL..." Spoke to soon.

"WHAT GRACE??!!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?" Yep, there was no doubt she was Jack's kid.

Chapter End Notes:

So click review and let me know which one was your part. It's really easy. If you find it difficult I might be able to create a step by step guide in wikipedia.


	15. Blackmail and Punishment poor jack

Author's Chapter Notes:

Poor jack is blackmailed and punished by sam and daniel, but it makes for a good laugh

Bring.. . Bring. . .

"Ugh" Daniel groaned. Who could possibly be calling him this early on the one day off he had actually decided to spend sleeping in at home

"Hello" He grumbled.

"Daniel!" it was Jack, "I need your help, I just can't take it anymore."

"What's wrong?" Daniel was immediately awake at Jack's devastated voice.

"It's Sam. Every time we have an argument, she gets historical!"

"You mean hysterical," a poor confused Daniel asked.

"No, I mean HISTORICAL," the Jack insisted. "Every argument we have, she'll go .."I still remember that time when you ...."

Daniel sat back and got comfortable. What were friends for if not to listen to complaints? Besides, he was gonna hold this conversation over Jack's head later for blackmail, cause if Sam found out Jack would be toast.

Jack was sitting on the edge of his bed and thankfully, Grace was asleep. He stared observing Sam, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he decided to ask whatshe'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be four or five again', she replied with a pout on her face, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, dropped off Grace with Teal'c, made Sam a nice big bowl of Fruit Loops, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a not-diet soda, and her favorite candy, M&M's.  
Finally Sam wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly  
asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being five again for your birthday?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, Jack!!!!'  
Whack!

"Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong" She said and then kissed him.

"Jack,"

"Yes honey," He had his puppy dog face up, hoping she wouldn't hit him again.

"You do know that my birthday isn't till next week, right"

Jack just stared at her hoping his brain would come up with something good to explain everything. Unfortunately he just blurted out "I'll take Grace to the Hannah Montana concert, so you don't have to."

Sam understood that this one deed would make Jack suffer enough, so she was content to cuddle with him and go to sleep knowing he would suffer an even better payback than the one she had originally planned.

Weeks Later

Jack had gotten back from the Hannah Montana concert with a rambunctious Grace in tow, but wasn't feeling well. He wasn't even whining or complaining, which really had Sam worried, and maybe feeling a little guilty. Sam heard a large thump and ran into their room to find Jack on the floor clutching his chest.

Later on, at the hospital, the doctor explained that jack had been the victim of a heart-attack. Long stressful hours passed, before Sam was allowed to see him. She was dismayed to find him hooked up to elaborate machines that blipped, hissed and beeped. She tiptoed toward his bed and, bending over him, whispered, "Jack, I'm here, and I love you." Then she kissed him. Suddenly there was a loud blippety-blip-blip from the equipment and blinking lights.

_The next Day_

"He was okay," Sam later explained to Daniel. "But after this many years of marriage it's nice to know that I can still make his heart skip when I kiss him."

Daniel turned to see and embarrassed, red-faced Jack. All Daniel could think was that he might be able to trade 'never telling a single soul about this story' to Jack for 'Jack never calling him that awful nickname, Spacemonkey, again.' Seeing Jack still red face as Sam continued the story, Daniel thought it just might work.

Chapter End Notes:

(The following outside the parenthesis is a joke in order to get you to review. In no way is the following true, but if it magically works you might consider e-mailing '' since a dog and blonde chick have taken over his site lol)

Review this story using at least 6 words and you will see the  
Taco Bell dog run across your screen . If you  
reviews this chapter using at least 20 words Paris Hilton comes out and  
steals the taco bell dog. it is really funny and it works!! you have to try it .


	16. the victorias secret trip and others

Author's Chapter Notes:

Jack gets himself in more trouble

When Sam was pregnant, Jack had warned her that he could tell their daughter was going to be a girly girl. Sam was sure Grace would be more like her. Sam watched 5 year old Grace with her cars and trucks. Sam prided myself on having raised Grace to play outside the confines of gender restrictions that had always frustrated her as a child. Beaming, Sam asked her about her game.

"Well," she answered innocently, "the big truck is the Ken, this car is the Barbie, and the little car is the baby."

Behind her, Sam heard a snort, and a muttered "I told you so." Later, she'd have to hit him.

Jack and Sam had seen that when Grace didn't have any friends over, she spent a lot of time in her room playing boardgames by herself. Not only that, but she talked as if their was someone there.

One day, Jack dragged his wife to the door of Grace's room. It was open and they could see Grace playing twister all by herself.

"Grace, who are you playing with" Jack asked.

"God" She said.

"Oh" Well this was a surprise. Though the family had gone to church on Sundays, they hadn't expected this.

Sam was still silent as Jack asked "How do you know who wins?"

Graces answer was priceless "Duh! Daddy, He's God, he always wins."

* * *

This week Jack was at home & playing house husband. Sam left a list of things he needed to do.

1). Make the beds......  
What a waste of effort, we're only going to sleep in them again tonight. Forget that.  
Scratch one.

2). Pick up dog poop in yard.......  
It snowed last night, I don't see any dog poop, kids do you see any dog poop?  
Scratch two.

3). Drop your shirts off at the cleaners.......  
Duhh I'm on vacation I don't need them.  
Scratch three.

This is easy, what's the fuss.  
Think I'll go on the computer for a while.

4). Clean out Tupperware cabinet.......  
Uhhhh that's a hard one. GOT IT, velcro on the door will keep them closed.  
Scratch four.

5). Mop kitchen floor.....  
The dog licked up that sugar spill from breakfast, floor looks clean to me.  
Scratch five.

Good doggie go play in the yard. She just loves rolling in the snow.

6). Find something fun for the kids to do.....  
That tin foil in the microwave thing was kinda fun.  
Scratch six.

This is way too easy I'll have lots of time for the computer

7). Vacuum the carpets......  
That's a hard one.......  
Hey kids wanna have some more FUN.  
Scratch seven.

8). Feed kids lunch.....  
Hey kids, don't you have a friends house to go too?  
YESSSS Scratch eight !!

9). Clean out hallway closet......  
Hmmmm another hard one. That's it, take enough out of the closet to close the door. Outta sight outta mind. Hmmmm this other stuff can go under a bed.  
Scratch nine.

Boy O Boy am I good, lunch time. Pour some chili into the cracker bag & eat. Taaa daaa no lunch dishs

10). Do laundry.....  
no problem I can do that while I'm on the computer  
Scratch ten.

11). Fold laundry.....  
dang Ya know I never noticed how many pink things this family actually wears. Gonna have to ask da little lady why she buys me pale pink underwear?? Check this out a cashmere barbie sweater, cool.  
Scratch eleven.

12) Put the laundry away....  
Baskets in bedrooms work for me.  
Scratch twelve.

This is way too easy. Wonder why women always complain about house work???

13). Water the plants...  
Oop's!... good thing the carpet is absorbent.  
Scratch thirteen.

14). Grocery shopping, Buy toilet paper.......  
These old newspapers will do, besides, that's recycling & that's good for the earth....  
Scratch fourteen.

15). Pick up Grace ......  
Yeah right; we're talking about my kid here. Parents will normally pay to drop her back off.  
She'll be back. Scratch fifteen.

Wonder who's on the computer. I have plenty of time.

16). Make dinner.....  
Easy, "Hello do you deliver ? uhhh double that, Ya know we will need more dinner tomorrow".  
Scratch sixteen.

17). Clean out the dog house......  
duhh the dog sleeps in our bed, Like that needs to be done.  
Scratch seventeen.

WOW all done. Man this is sooooo easy. Still time for some more computer and a nap..... Women must complain about house work just to make us guys think they're working.

Wish I was a chick !

When Sam arrived home, poor Jack was made to do it all over again the right way, and no longer desired to be a 'chick.'

* * *

5 things Jack said in Victoria's Secret that got him hit by Sam.

1._When sam came out in the miracle bra._ "The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!!"  
_Whack, she only hit him lightly because after all, it was a compliment._

2. _When she came out in a plane boring color to go under her new dress. "_My grandma would love to wear that." _Whack!!, yep she hit him hard for that one._

3._To the lady at the register when he thought Sam wasn't listening._ "Do you have this with a Dallas Cowboy Logo on it?" _Whack! Not too bad a hit, because at least he was fantasizing about her in the outfit rather than the actual cheerleaders._

- _When_ _she came out of the dressing room in some peach outfit that he begged her to try on._ "No need to wrap it up, I'll eat it you up right here". _Whack, another light one, because he really was adorable and at least he still enjoyed her body. _

- When _Sam was at the cash register with all they had looked at and decided to by 850 bucks??_ You're gonna end up NAKED anyways!! _Whack!!!, That one stung and poor Jack handed the cashier his card as he rubbed his sore head. _ "I mean your hot without all this so I don't get it. Your hottest to me in my hockey jersey." _At that Sam couldn't help but feel a little guilty about all the money she was spending._ "I'll fish at the cabin in whatever outfits we buy." _As they walked out of the store, Jack was begging for her to spend at least a 1,000. _

Chapter End Notes:

Pretend your most psycho childhood teacher gave you a spiel on reviewing. After that torture, please review and thank God you are no longer a child


	17. don't get hit by sam

Author's Chapter Notes:

Jack just might keep from getting hit, if he can keep Sam laughing.

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Daniel was watching Jack and Sam having a petty argument, both of them unwilling to admit they might be a little bit wrong.

"I'll admit I'm wrong," Sam told Jack in a conciliatory attempt, "if you'll admit I'm right."

Jack agreed, and insisted she go first. Daniel thought Jack had agreed just a little too quickly.

"I'm wrong," Sam said.

With a twinkle in his eye, Jack responded, "You're right!"

Daniel expected Sam to hit Jack, but instead she looked like she wanted to jump her husband, no matter if it had to be in front of Daniel. Daniel decided to just get up and leave as Jack began to return Sam's look. After all, Sam and Jack arguing was just foreplay.

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The day before Thanksgiving, Jack called Daniel in Egypt.

"Daniel, I've had enough, I've decided to leave Sam."

Daniel hysterically responded: "Jack, this cannot be happening. Don't do a thing until we get there to talk some sense into you!"

Daniel then called Vala, Cassie, Teal'c, Hammond, Walter, and even Cam who all became equally hysterical. Cassie even called: "Jack, we're not going to let this happen, you and Sam stay put, we'll be there tomorrow to work things out!"

Jack hung up the phone, looked at his wife and said: "Told you I could get everyone to come for Thanksgiving they're paying their own way." Sam reached as if she was going to hit him and Jack cringed, but she just patted his head for a job well done.

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Sam liked to mow the lawn because it helped her keep fit and she didn't like any housework being labeled man or woman's work to Grace. One Saturday afternoon, Jack was sitting in his lawn chair drinking beer and watching her mow the lawn.

Their neighbor lady was so outraged at this, she came over and shouted at Jack, "You should be hung!"

Sam was about to intervene and let this woman know that just because she was a woman, it didn't mean she couldn't handle mowing the lawn, but before she could say a word Jack calmly replied, "I am. That's why she mows the lawn."

Sam couldn't help but burst out laughing as her neighbor huffed back to the house. Jack winked at her knowing that since made her outright laugh he wouldn't be in any danger of getting hit.

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Jack couldn't find Sam in the huge supermarket. He saw a gorgeous young blond, approached her and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"  
The blonde tilted her head to the side and asked "Why?"  
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."

"Jack who are you talking to."

"Told yah" he winked at the blonde and turned to continue with shopping with his wife.

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One night, as Jack and Sam lay down for bed, Jack gently tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm. Sam turned over and said, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow." Jack, rejected, turned over and tried to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolled back over and tapped his Sam again. This time he whispered in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?" Jack closed his eyes waiting for a whack in the head to come his way but Sam just said "Your getting away with it this time for amazing creativity, but don't expect any lenience next time.". . . 5 minutes later Jack asked "So is that a no?". Sam's arm swung. Whack! Well, he understood that he deserved it that time.

Chapter End Notes:

If you don't review my dog will go and steal your television remote so you have to change the channel the old fashioned way. And yes, I have trained him to do this


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